... is not the very difficult patients with multiple severe medical problems or mental illness or addiction problems. They aren't the ones who call you in your hospital room to request a refill on their percocet (like one of mine did after I delivered Alex). The hardest patients are those you love and care about most - your kids, your spouse, your siblings, your parents, your good friends, etc. With your family/friends you lose your objectivity... sometimes you fuss..."stop being a wuss and suck it up" only to find out it was something serious. sometimes you know a little too much and panic too early... like I am currently doing with Alex being sick. You're always afraid you'll make a serious mistake (not that you aren't with your regular patients, it just becomes even more real when it is someone so close to you). And at the same time you are embarassed when you ask for help or someone else to take a look particularly whe it is something simple. I mean, that physician who sees your family/friend must be wondering what kind of crappy doctor you are that you don't know how to treat simple problem x (when in reality you do, you just can't think through it when it is a family member!). It's a real bucket of emotions to take care of a family member - particularly your spouse or kids because you can't help but try to figure out the problem because you care and you want it better while at the same time your pride as a physician is still there wanting to be right because colleagues will certainly think why I as a colleague couldn't figure it out. Don't get me wrong, I ask my colleagues questions all of the time at work, even simple ones, but somehow it seems different when it's a family member.
I say all of this because I am feeling this way with Alex currently. I know he just has a little cold. He's a kid... kids gets colds. Kids get over colds just fine. But I also know as a physician that he is a preemie and young... and that a simple cold can turn into a nightmare of a hospitalization very very quickly. I know what I would tell my patients... wait it out, watch him, if anything changes, bring him in and I'll check him out. But as a doctor I could do that myself at home... technically. But then I'd find myself checking his temperature every few minutes, keeping a hand on his chest just to make sure he is breathing since his little nose is so congested and of course all the meantime not sleeping or taking care of myself. So then I find myself in the conundrum... do I bring him in knowing the answers just so someone else can tell me the same thing? That's what I did today... God Bless my kid's physician... my attending Sara Neal. She understands how hard it is to be a parent/spouse/sibling/etc and be a doctor. And I never feel bad about asking her a question I should know the answer to just so I can hear it from someone else to reassure myself. Yet I still find myself worrying too much and wondering if she is thinking at least a little bit why I don't just know he is gonna be fine.
All of this being said, the thing that teaches you the most about being a good physician is experiencing it yourself... being a parent/spouse/etc. It's knowing these feelings so you can try to address them for your patients before they even have to ask. It's remembering what it felt like having a spouse having surgery or a kid that was sick (again) or having a preemie in the NICU or going into preterm labor. It's just not always fun living through it.
Say a prayer that Alex gets better soon. I really hate being a doctor AND mother at the same time. I really stink at it...
~Steph
(ps: sorry about my streaming thoughts on what you expected to be a blog about just our kids :) hope you can forgive me!)
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