Alex update and thoughts for the day

Alex overall is doing very well - he was up to 5lb 9 oz today which is great considering they are giving him just straight breastmilk without fortification. He is also eating better and better though he's still not where he needs to be to go home unfortunately. He is getting 51ccs (mls) every 3 hours and he has started waking up for feeding times to let them know he is hungry. He has pretty much been taking at least 20ccs of that by bottle before getting the rest through his feeding tube. Today he was even allowed to be breastfed which he did pretty well. Overall it is hard to complain much because this is really seeming to be his only issue. It is particularly hard to complain after 2 new babies came into his "pod" at the NICU that were the same gestation as him (33wks). Both of those babies are in isolettes, on oxygen or CPAP, needing IVs and other meds and getting all of their feeds through their tube. Alex must have known he was coming early andgot ready. We are so lucky and blessed we didn't have to do really any of that (only the IV for a few days and the eating issues).

All of the above being said though, I still miss my boy. I want him home. I want his brother to get to meet him. While it has been nice to be able to work on getting the house really clean (though we still have a way to go - we really let the house slide during November and December with teaching service/call and Christmas) and spend time with mom it just isn't the same. (BTW, thanks for all your help mom and putting up with my tired, cranky, sad self!) It is hard only pumping all of the time, trying to plan your day to spend time at the hospital (particularly when you are sick like I currently am which means a mask at every visit) and feeling guilty every time you leave and still plan time to hang out with Donny (he isn't allowed in the NICU - RSV season) ... etc, etc. It is also hard thinking about all of the things I missed because of going into early labor - I never packed a hospital bag for either of us, I never really got to get the nursery together/planned completely. I never got to have a baby shower (even just a get together with friends to celebrate) - although one was planned preliminarily (thanks Laura and Susan!) I never got to put my baby straight to the breast and do breastfeeding from the beginning (I so wanted a baby who would really breastfeed... Donny never really got it last time). On top of that I've had to reschedule tons of things - job interviews that were in progress, rotations, etc. And I will be extending my residency even further (unpaid...). And there is even more. I never got to do an in store baby registry like I had planned on doing the very day I delivered. And to top it off, some skumbag hacked the little "registry" I had made on whattogive.com. So the few things I was excited about possibly getting was just a joke. I know it is silly to be so materialistic however when facing a likely large hospital/NICU bill, it would have been nice. In some ways an early delivery is like a loss because of so many things you miss out on. Probably even some things I haven't thought of as of yet.

The whole time the above is going through your head you are wondering what maybe you could have done differently to prevent the early delivery and the NICU stay... was it not eating/drinking enough, was it a medicine change, was it being too stressed at work? I'll never know but I'll always wonder. And it certainly makes you think even harder about the possibility of more kids in the future. We hadn't completely decided if we wanted 2 or 3 but knowing a preterm delivery and NICU stay are possible if there is a 3rd baby at some point since we don't know why this happened makes for some pretty good birth control...

Again, we are blessed and I'm sorry to vent my frustrations and sadness at the situation. Overall Alex is great and I'm so glad he is here and that he is getting such excellent care.

Thanks to all who are sending out prayers - they are working.
Love, Steph